Humadidy

My uncle Hugh liked to play with words. For example humidity. Because humidity had such a huge impact on me, a 77 year old, I had to process the effects in this essay.

Yesterday, I was rendered useless! My whole day was a series of long naps. I lay with small pools of sweat deposited in my eye sockets.

Turning the pages of the newspaper was no problem; the sticky side of my left underarm did the trick. No matter how many times I washed my face, it felt cool for a few minutes, then reverted to sticky, icky, discomfort. I could not wash away the humidity.

A damp wash cloth never dried. It smelled moldy. Mold spores have a field day when it’s hot and moist. No, we don’t have air conditioning or even fans. We sweat it out the old fashioned way. We use electricity just like everybody else, but when push comes to shove, when the chips are down, we shop in air conditioned stores or just stand outside and get the benefit of air that has been “conditioned”. Hello…the air has already been conditioned, with heat and water. On days like this, I recall all the other days when the weather was tolerable. A few intolerable days we have to deal with aren’t so bad.

I didn’t object to shopping in the cool dry air of Barnes and Noble browsing and lingering. All the while I thought about the huge iceberg the size of Russia that just broke off Antarctica. I sweat to save the Earth.

I spent most of the day horizontal. In my man cave on the second floor of our 1858 house, I get nice breezes. I found relief three ways: sleeping, enjoying a gin and tonic at 11AM, wearing only briefs.

I am a science guy. I read my humidity meter and check the newspaper; The New York Times weather page lists high 76% – 2AM; low – 54% 3PM. The science behind this is this:

At night, it is cooler, so moisture doesn’t evaporate as much; at 3PM it’s hotter so more moisture evaporates. Our discomfort suffers more from the heat than the humidity. During daytime hours, moisture doesn’t evaporate easily from our skin. Drinking hot tea helps because capillary blood vessels close to the skin enlarge and increase evaporation which in turn cools the skin.

As you have probably already guessed, I intent to talk about the weather and do nothing about it. But I am really. , I’m writing about it and in doing so forget about complaining and the suffering. Complaining increases suffering.

During the onslaught of heat/humidity, I was mostly annoyed by the fact that I was unproductive. Usually after my daily 50 minute nap, I have two hours of some sort of constructive activity. Yesterday, I started early, followed by two longer naps. I found this the best way to adapt.

I felt like a finely wrapped cigar outside a humidifier. A steam bath is also a good comparison. If it weren’t for humidity, there would be no clouds and plenty of dew in the early morning. No fog either. Trees transpire a huge amount of water. Any water body is evaporating all the time. Humidity is why I have to wipe the mirror after a shower and why I can see my breath while snow shoeing in winter.

When I awake in the morning, I have dry mouth. My tongue feels like corrugated cardboard. When I sweat, the sweat doesn’t evaporate, it just lays there. At times like this, I wish I were in Las Vegas, Phoenix, or Tuson.

I sought relief at CVS. I learned that Witch Hazel can help. I bought a bottle and read the label. “Pore perfecting Toner.” I thought my pores were already perfect. “Conditions pores and gently removes dirt, oil and make up.” “When used daily, it helps tighten and minimize pores for evenly tones, smooth skin.”I like my pores, why minimize them? All I want is relief, is this so wrong? I don’t wear makeup, and I don’t care about “evenly toned, smooth skin.” I just want to stop feeling so crappy!

Aha, the label says “paraben free.” Great – thank you for not disrupting my endocrine system. I pour some witch hazel/alcohol extract on a gauze pad and swipe my face. Finally relief at last. And it lasts almost a minute.